Alex and Horachio


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Not much is known about Alex and Horachio the Kazoo. It feels like they've lived in Blakeopolis forever. They're a duo that everyone in town knows. I mean, who wouldn't know a boy dressed head to toe in bright rainbow colours with a talking kazoo?

Yes, a talking kazoo. As in the dumb toot toot instrument.

However, Alex wasn't well known because of his rainbow clothes, or even for being the wielder of a sentient kazoo. Instead, Alex was known for being the most helpful boy in town. Blakeopolis was never short of work that needed to done, from helping Lachy getting his footy game set up to giving guest lectures at Blakeopolis University. Alex would always be the first person to put up his kazoo-wielding hand to help out the townspeople.

Alex was aeroplaning through the town square when he saw the mayor putting up a sign on the town notice board. It read:

HELP WANTED! NICE HELPERS NEEDED TO STOP FOUR DIMENSIONAL MISCHIEF MAKERS - REWARD: ROYAL HONOUR OF CHIVALRY ANNOINTED BY THE MAYOR THEMSELF

"Don't do it. Don't do it. Alexander, stay focussed. You came to get some noodles for dinner. We don't need to go on another side adventure". Horachio the Kazoo was as cynical and reluctant as ever. Even though it was just essentially a pocket-sized, golden, tube-like instrument, he managed to pack a lot of attitude.

"We'll help you out, mayor!" Alex said as he glided over to the mayor.

"Imbecile," scoffed Horachio the sentient kazoo.

"Horachio, sometimes I wish you were a little less negative and a little more jolly like a regular kazoo, y'know?" Alex said with a concerned look.

"Okay then. Imbecile"

"Great! Anyway mayor, as I was saying, we'll help out!"

"EEEXCELLENT NEWS" said the mayor as he jiggled around excitedly. "SOME STRANGE NOTES HAVE BEEN APPEARING FROM THE FOUR DIMENSIONAL STRING QUARTET DEEEEMONS. TAKE A LOOK FOR YOURSELF!"

The mayor held out the note. It was purple, translucent, and crackling wildly with electricity; it was as if all that energy was being used to simply keep the document anchored in the material plane. Unknown gas wafted around it like it had been dipped in liquid nitrogen. Undeterred, Alex took the note. It was difficult to read - for some reason the note kept jerkily sliding back and forth out of his hand, towards where the mayor passed it to him from. Eventually it settled down and Alex was able to read it.

MORTALS. K-K-KEEP YOUR EARS IN THE READY STATUS. BLAKEOPOLIS I-I-IS OUR NEXT STAGE. WE ARE FOUR BUT SOON WILL BE MORE. REMAIN UNDAMAGED. STAY OUT OF TREBLE, YOU ARE ALL INSTRUMENTAL H-H-H-HAAAAA. LOVE, 4D STRING QUARTET.

By the time Alex had finished reading the note, the mayor was already packing a comically large box into a car. "JUST GOING ON A SHORT BUSINESS TRIP" he said as he lifted a box labelled "CHILDHOOD PHOTOS" into the car. "NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT HERE, I'M SURE YOU'LL BE ABLE TO HANDLE IT". The mayor had plane tickets sticking out of his pocket, each clearly labelled ONE WAY in black letters. "I'LL BE BACK SOON. GOOD LUCK, FRIENDLY BOYS!" said the mayor. After packing his final box labelled "THINGS NEEDED TO SKIP TOWN FOR GOOD", he was off.

"Can't wait to help out the mayor and save Blakeopolis! Horachio, let's gooooo!"

"I'm a kazoo. Go wherever. Do whatever. I'll still be here, in your hand." Horachio tooted emptily. "I think we can all agree, that there is absolutely no need to do the usual, stupid, pre-adventure ritu- whoaaaa"

Horachio was cut off by an all-too-familiar force spinning him around rapidly. Alex was rapidly twirling, kazoo in hand, at an alarming rate. Like, really twirling. A blur of rainbow and dust formed a chaotically chromatic performance in the town square.

"WE'RE ABOUT TOOOOOOO" Began Alex, as the force of his twirling began to give him enough lift to rise from the ground. The air rushing through the kazoo's body made Horachio involuntarily make quiet toot sounds. The uncontrollable kazoo hum got louder and louder as Alex's rainbow chaos became faster and faster, and Alex got higher and higher off the ground.

Everyone in the town was watching now. The kazoo humming was loud enough to drown out any conversation a mile around. Alex was over 10ft in the air, dust and rainbows still spewing everywhere.

As quickly as it started, it stopped.

"...GO ON AN ADVENTURE." Alex said, now standing completely still, with arms folded. Blowfishing, he raised Horachio to his mouth and let out one final toot, signifying the end of his pre-adventure ritual.

"Ngghuuuh," spluttered Horachio, feeling as dizzy as a kazoo could. "Please never do that again. One, uh, thing you've forgotten though, oh brave adverturer, is that you have no idea how to solve this problem. How do you intend to begin to even think about fighting a bunch of four dimensional violin demons? This is a step above coaching the weekend soccer game."

"Great question as always Horachio! The good news is I'm friends with Professor Lamarr from Blakeopolis University. I met her at Blakecon where I did my talk on consensual pickpocketing; she gave a talk called 'Four Dimensional Weapons, Tactics, and Demonology' which I think might be able to help us out! I guess you might say... it's who you know, not what you know." Light applause pattered in from some nearby, inspired townspeople.

"What a convenient way to cut out any kind of research, understanding or explanation for a four dimensional realm of demonic instruments" said Horachio in his default sarcasm voice. "I'd almost call it lazy writing."

"Haha Horachio you're so funny. Anyway one sec gonna hit up my number 1 prof Lamarr right now brb." Alex slid into the professor's DMs quickly and confidently. "Aaaaand they're on the way!"

A rumbling began from the horizon. Accompanied with a cloud of dust. It was like a dust storm from Blakeopolis University was heading straight for the town square. In the blink of an eye the dust cloud arrived just a few feet in front of Alex and began to settle down.

A classic entrance from Professor Vicky Lamarr. The dust cleared enough for him to get good look at her. Panting, she stood on her bike, her now-brown lab coat still rippling from the sonic entrance. Her hair was wild, brown, and curly - not from the bike trip, it was always like that, Alex remembered. Attempting to contain the curly mass was a rather complicated looking piece metal headgear. It went all the way around the circumference of her head with a metal strap across the top, like a helmet but missing any kind of protective value. Instead, it was covered in blinking lights and spinning satellites, occasionally making whirring or beeping noises. The contraption seemed to attach to her glasses; Alex could a cable connecting the headgear to them and colours occasionally appear in the corners of the lenses.

"Here I am!" she happily exclaimed as she ran over to Alex and gave him a hug hello. Alex was a little uncomfortable during the hug with the bulky headgear in the way, but he didn't say anything.

"It's a good thing my DMs were open you silly boy," Lamarr teased. "Did you intend to fight four dimensional demons with some rainbow nails and a kazoo? Thank goodness I'm here."

Lamarr handed Alex a small, pen-like object. It was translucent and purple, much like the note left by the demons. Alex could see electricity gently crackling inside it.

"This is a four dimensional hyper laser kappa zapper mk 3. You probably remember this from my talk - Four Dimensional Weapons, Tactics and Demonology, now with over 50 views on YouTube". She looked very smug after she said that.

"These are the only things that are capable of touching, let alone hurting, four dimensional demons. They exist in the fourth dimension, Alex. Three dimensional projectiles just won't cut it - they know everything that's going to happen! They know where a bullet will be, so they'll avoid it. What the kappa zapper does is fire a four dimensional death laser at its target at a random point in the timeline, so not even a four dimensional demon can know when it's going to be hit! I've dedicated my life to researching this so I don't expect you to understand it immediately, but those are the basics."

"Sounds like a complete, whole, and paradox-free explanation," sarcastically tooted Horachio. "Can't anyone else see that it's extremely obvious that this makes absolutely no sense?"

"As I said, I don't expect anyone to understand this completely, especially not a kazoo." Lamarr shook her head sadly. "Anyway, there are only two kappa zappers in existence - that one in your hand, and the one in my pocket, so BE CAREFUL!"

Alex gulped and placed it carefully behind his ear, his hair completely obscuring it. "I'll uh, keep it nice and safe right here, thanks Professor! All right, let's go on an adventure!"

As if perfectly on queue, a purple, translucent, crackling archway silently and instantly appeared in front of Alex. He stood there, blinking, confused.

"Oh my gosh, this is amazing" shouted Lamarr excitedly. "A portal to the four dimensional demonic realm!! The demons must know you're coming! Let's gooooo!"

Before Alex could tell her to wait, Lamarr hopped excitedly through the portal.

"Dear lord..." tooted Horachio, flabbergasted.

Alex squinted his eyes and clenched his fist, grasping Horachio in the process. "I'm coming for you, Lamarr!" he said dramatically, and he twirled through the portal.

Once Alex made it through and stopped twirling, he surveyed the four dimensional demonic plane around him. It was purple, as expected, and vast. Alex couldn't really perceive an end to the cloudy purpleness around him. There was no ground beneath his feet, only purple, yet he was somehow standing. The portal remained open behind him, silently crackling. Occasionally, deep string instruments could be heard from somewhere within the void. The sounds were much too deep for any string instrument Alex had ever heard. A few feet in front of him, Lamarr stood, looking around with bewilderment and excitement.

Two levitating violins blinked into existence. Silently they hovered in front of Lamarr, staring at her despite having no eyes to look with. As they stared, they crackled occasionally with the familiar purple lightning. Alex closely watched the violins. As they crackled, their appearance changed - most of the time the violins appeared brand new, but with some flashes they had long goat-like horns extending from their neck down their body. Sometimes their strings were new and taut, other times they were flayed out wildly, broken and menacing.

The violins continued staring and changing forms for some seconds.

"Now now, no need to make our guests uncomfortable - we need them in ripe condition for tuning, young violins."

The violins instantly turned away from Lamarr and faced towards the sound of the voice. Alex did the same.

Behind him stood another violin. It had a smaller body than the others, which made it a viola, Alex recalled from Lamarr's talk. Even though the viola was smaller, it stood on two, tall, impossibly thin and bendy black spines for legs, which kept it over 8 ft. off the ground. It had only small horns curving out from its head, and its strings seemed old but well maintained. Two strings, one on each side of the body, had been detached to form arm-like appendages. Along with the legs, this instrument appeared much more humanoid than the other demons as it towered before Alex.

"Lieutenant Viola! I've read all the demonic literature about you!" shouted Lamarr angrily. "What do you want with Blakeopolis!? Why can't you stay in your own dimension for once!?"

"Eugh, human sounds are just so... grating. But those powerful vocal chords will be useful when you join the orchestra." The lanky viola rubbed its string-hands together gleefully. "Yes, all of you adventurers will make for quite the addition... Ooh you even brought the kazoo... very good."

"We're not your instruments, Viola! We're citizens of Blakeopolis, just like everyone else back through that portal, and there's no way we're going to let you 'tune' us into instruments, that's unwholesome on so many levels!" Alex was shouting directly upwards at the towering viola.

"It's too late," the viola chortled. "Your stepping through the portal has already set events in motion. You are physically incapable of comprehending anything that could save you now. Violins... get them."

The two violins instantly teleported up above Lamarr, a mess of flayed strings and demonic energy flailing around them. Instantly they began wrapping their strings around Lamarr's torso and lifted her straight up in the air!

Lamarr didn't kick, flail, or even scream. She just smirked, 6 ft. off the ground. "You silly violins," she said smugly. "You think you're so safe and smart just because you're omnipotent. Well I guess you should've watched my talk on YouTube, shouldn't you! Eat kappa zapper you out of tune wooden whackos!"

Lamarr reached into her pocket for her kappa zapper triumphantly, but stopped, with her hand in her pocket.

The zapper wasn't there.

The zapper wasn't there.

The only thing that could save her, wasn't there.

Some seconds passed.

Lieutenant Viola let out a laugh. "Yes yes, very good Lamarr dear. Amazing bluff, really," it said as it began taking long strides over towards the dangling professor. "I'm sure those tactics will come in handy when you help us string up the rest of Blakeopolis..."

Step by step, the viola got closer and closer to Lamarr. The dramatic instrument put its string-hands out in front of it as it approached, only a couple of steps away now from Lamarr's face. The evil instrument was clearly enjoying every moment of its torment, indulging in horrific three dimensional steps instead of simply teleporting across, as Lamarr knew it very well could...

A loud ZAP erupted from somewhere behind the instrument, closely followed by a second ZAP. Lamarr was instantly released and fell to the floor; the violins previously restraining her now flat on the ground with a giant smoking purple hole through their bodies.

Confused, she looked towards the source of the zap. Through the viola's legs, she could see Alex. He was holding not one, but two kappa zappers, dual wielding one in each hand while pulling the biggest 'bad poker face' she'd ever seen.

"Y-you didn't even feel me pickpocket you this time, did you Lamarr!?" said Alex somehow while still cracking the world's biggest bad poker face.

Lamarr covered her face with her palm. She would deal with that later, right now there was still an angry viola that needed to be stopped.

The viola angrily teleported to Alex, instantly snatching up the kappa zappers before Alex even had a chance to register what happened. The viola disappeared briefly before reappearing again without the kappa zappers.

"Well, we can't have that happening again in any forseeable futures, can we..." said the Lieutenant, sounding mostly inconvenienced by the death of its two instruments. "I've stored those dangerous items in the safety of the... infinite void for you."

Alex blinked, confused at the series of instantaneous events that just occured before him. Quickly focusing, Alex got in stance, ready to deliver a swift Rainbow Punch.

"No no no..." said the malevolent viola, as it grabbed Alex's wrists with wirey fingers, halting the punch in its tracks. "It's not your turn yet. First, Lamarr. Then, the world." With that, the viola strutted over to where Lamarr and the two dead violins lay.

The tall viola bent down over Lamarr, inspecting her. "Mm, yes," said pleased demon. "Fantastic vocals... body in excellent condition..."

Lamarr looked up at the demon with a focused gaze. "Ah, and determination. You will achieve much with the orchest-." The demons appraisal was cut short by a whirring sound. One of the small satellite dishes on Lamarr's head began spinning rapidly. As it got faster, it started glowing red hot. The viola, rather annoyed, looked closely at the red, hot, glowing satellite dish.

Suddenly, a red laser flew out of the middle of the glowing satellite dish. With a PEW a flash of heat and light burst from the weapon, right at the viola.

Without changing its position kneeling down over Lamarr, the viola dodged the laser, shifting mere inches out of the way. The laserbeam continued onwards, piercing the empty purpleness after it missed its target.

The weapon attached to Lamarr's headgear didn't stop there. Its spinning got even faster, and it began firing a furious flurry of lasers, more than one per second. Alex could feel the heat being emitted from the deadly beams from his position over 5 metres away.

In a blur, the viola elegantly avoided each and every beam.

Alex couldn't believe it! With no kappa zappers, with none of Lamarr's amazing technology, he was completely helpless! All of Blakeopolis was going to get strung up and turned into demon instruments, and there was nothing left he could do.

"Ahem" said Horachio, reminding Alex of his presence. "Perhaps we could try that secret move we've been practising. It could be our only chance to get out of here."

"Horachio! You can't possibly be talking about the Ultimate Hyper Crank It Up Rainbow Twirl of Doom, could you? We've hardly practised that, and I still fall over dizzy every time! It's too risky!"

"Riskier than letting all of Blakeopolis - wait, what is the complication here again? Oh yes, I've written it down; is it riskier than letting all of Blakeopolis be turned into 'four dimensional string instrument demons'?"

A brief silence followed.

"You're right Horachio. Let's do it."

Alex put down Horachio carefully on the purple 'ground', and made a knuckle cracking motion, but didn't actually crack any knuckles. His rainbow nails began glowing. And he began to twirl.

Quickly Alex was airborn, making a rainbow light show like a christmas tree in a dryer. He began to scream the name of his experimental attack as he spun. "Ultimaaaaaaate..."

At that point, Horachio hovered up from the ground where Alex had carefully placed him. Horachio looked at Alex spinning. Alex was completely focussed on his ultimate attack, and didn't notice him hovering at all.

Horachio glowed white as a mysterious energy built up around him. A red bolt flew out from the kazoo's opening, right at Lamarr. It hit her, and she fell asleep.

Lieutenant Viola looked down at his sleeping victim, but instantly fixed its gaze back at the glowing kazoo. The lieutenant didn't have eyes, but Horachio could tell it was staring in shock. In disbelief.

"Wh-what is this" stuttered out the confused instrument. "This energy should not exist. This is not forseen."

"We don't call it energy where I'm from. But that's not something you're going to need to worry about any more."

Green, swirling bolts of energy flew out of the kazoo. The lieutenant had no idea what they were, but he dodged, barely. He couldn't comprehend this impossible energy. This couldn't exist. Incomprehendable forces. For the first time, he had no idea what was going to happen.

And that was terrifying.

The lieutenant began escaping towards the portal back to Blakeopolis. Long steps dodged over and around green bolt after green bolt. He had no idea what was going on, so he had to get out. This... uncertainty... Is this how the humans felt all the time?

The feeling the lieutenant now knew as pure shock rushed over him once again. As he approached the portal, furiously dodging green bolts, some strange red runes started forming in front of the exit. Within seconds, a horrifying black and dark red flaming bird erupted into existence from the runes. Its fiery body crackled wildy and its huge wings beat rhymically, fanning unfathomable heat towards the instrument. Its flaming wingspan completely blocked the lieutenant's path to escape. The purple energies of the four dimensional demonic realm turned black in the bird's presence, as if it was melting the purple down to blackness.

The lieutenant staggered backwards as this being, yet another impossibility, smashed its way through his expectations of reality. The great fiery bird slowly started its way toward him, creating a black path in its wake. It glowed hotter and hotter, redder and redder as it got closer...

In an instant the bird burst forward, straight at the lieutenant. Ash burst into the sky as bird blazed through the demonic instrument. His strings vaporised instantaneously and his wooden, demonic body crumbled into ash and then vaporised as well. The bird dissipated after its mighty charge, leaving only that black path marking where it had existed. Things went quiet.

Lieutenant Viola was no more.

Horachio's white glow faded slowly.

He clinked back to the ground, unconscious.

"...Rainbow Twirl of Doom!" shouted Alex, as he landed on the ground and waved his rainbow fingers towards where the lieutenant once stood.

Alex's face lit up with delight. "Horachio! I finally did it! I'm not dizzy, and the lieutenant is gone! It looks like our practice did pay off after all."

Horachio said nothing, still unconscious.

"Let's get out of here, friend," said Alex as he pocketed his kazoo companion. "Lamarr!"

Alex ran over to the sleeping body of Professor Lamarr. "Lamarr! Lamarr! Wake up! It's time to go!"

Lamarr groggily raised her head, and slowly opened her eyes, looking around confused. She noticed the lack of demonic instruments, and the black path in front of the portal where the fiery bird had been. "Alex? Wh- what happened here?"

"Ultimate Hyper Crank It Up Rainbow Twirl of Doom happened, that's what!" Alex said proudly. "It's time to go home, Lamarr. We stopped Lieutenant Viola." He reached out his hand and helped her up, and they started walking towards the portal.

"Just one more thing before we go," Lamarr said. She removed a round, metal object from her headgear and placed it on the ground near the portal. "Four dimensional hyperjammer. To close the portal. Only works from this side," she said. She held up a remote in her other hand. "Once we're back, I'll hit this button here to close the portal for good. A bit of a shame, I'd love to stay here and do more research, but we really shouldn't leave an unstable portal to the four dimensional demonic plane open any longer than necessary."

Alex smiled and nodded, and they took their final steps towards the portal.

Just a few steps away from the portal, the ground in front of them suddenly got a lot darker. Darker than the inexplicable blackness it already was. Like someone had dimmed the light, or someone... something, was standing tall behind them, casting a shadow.

Alex gulped and turned around. He saw a huge mess of string, as tall as he was, and metres wide. They were thick strings - they must have been at least 5 inches in diameter. They were tangled in a huge, twisted mess, like a massive plate of metal noodles. Alex suddenly remembered the note from the mayor - it was signed off by the four dimensional string QUARTET. They defeated two violins, and Lieutenant Viola, so that means....

The massive cello belowed an almighty roar from deep within its body. Alex turned and ran to the portal. He didn't get a good look, but it must have been over 50 ft tall. Its giant, bloodshot eyeball in the middle of its body stared angrily at them as its mass of strings churned and flailed all around towards the escaping heroes. Only a few more steps to the portal.

Alex crashed through back into the Blakeopolis town square, landing on his shoulder. He was followed soon by not only Lamarr, but a few angry strings extending through, coming towards them! Alex quickly scrambled backwards instinctively to escape...

The portal closed instantly, severing the strings clean off.

Alex noticed Lamarr holding the remote to the hyperjammer.

The portal was closed, and Blakeopolis was safe, for now. But Alex had a feeling this wouldn't be the last Blakeopolis would see of the four dimensional demon orchestra.

Some bad pictures of the "studio"
Randomly found microphone, meeting room, after hours
Ghetto standing desk, but it worked

Happy Birthday, Alex! Made with 💙 by Blakey boy